#Parenthood: Postnatal must-haves that you might not have considered

Pram - check. Moses basket - check. Baby clothes - check. All the other accumulating baby paraphernalia - check. And then all the bits you might have remembered like nipple cream, food supplies...

We plan and plan for this, and the new purchases pile up, until you start to consider moving house, or at least an extension. So,I'm going to add to that pile with a few things you might not have thought about. You're welcome. But hopefully, they'll make your life a teeny bit easier in the long run... 

Candles and lovely bath stuff

One of the things I remember well from those overwhelming early days was when I got to have a long, hot bath. I remember looking at my belly and crying because I missed her so much, even though she was only downstairs with hubby. There was so much emotion at that time and I must have cried solid for about half an hour, until the water started to turn cold. I never used to have baths, but they've become a bit of a sanctuary for me. Lovely smelly candles, my favourite Neal's Yard bath oil, a crappy magazine, or a post-natal hypnobirthing track, or even a glass of wine. Bliss. Make time to simply be you.

DVDs/Boxsets that make you smile
I made the mistake of starting Game of Thrones two weeks after I had given birth. Looking back, there was a LOT of sitting around time. However, this programme does not promote happy thoughts! Not the sort of thing to throw into the mix alongside sleep deprivation. 
In contrast, I watched a lot of Disney in the last few months of pregnancy, but if it's all a bit sickly sweet for you, watch whatever makes you feel HAPPY. Not emotional or sentimental - just happy. You're going to need as much oxytocin fuel as you can when you're having a shitty day. 

An eye mask
I wanted to constantly check that tiddler was breathing. Like every half an hour some nights. And this served absolutely no positive purpose except to increase my anxiety and make me even more tired. Wearing an eye mask will shut the world out and might help you to signal to yourself that this is now time for rest. Plus, who cares what time of day it is? Put your eye mask on and it is always time for a sleep, no matter what time of day! (Also useful for blocking out light from husband's phone as he also struggles to sleep).

Incontinence pants

I tried the maternity pads, and in all honestly, they did the job for about an hour. (Although the DIY padsicle ones are a god-send, so make ahead of time and stick in the freeze if you can - instructions here). Incontinence pants, like these bad boys, are what we're talking about. Not great if you want to save the landfill from yet more baby-related waste, but perfect for those very messy days when you feel like you're having the longest, heaviest period of all time.

Many sets of comfy pyjamas
I bought one new set. So I had my nice new set and then I had all my skanky old ones with holes in all sorts of unsightly places. Buy a few nice pairs, so that they last, and make them long leg. You don't want to open to the door to the delivery man in a short, greying nightie with only your incontinence pants on underneath (true story). 

Crop tops
For the last two months of pregnancy, every bra I tried on felt like it was about to puncture my ribs. This continued after birth, as my body slowly realigned itself. My salvation was crop tops, and my favourite were Marks & Spencer ones like this. Not a whole lot of support, but easy to wear in bed and underneath the comfy pyjamas, without feeling as if you're giving your guests TMI (visually). Also super stretchy so easy if you're breastfeeding.

Hand cream
Really good hand cream for very dry skin. I recommend this Garnier one. Between the constant washing of hands and possibly the sterilizing (if you're bottle feeding), your hands are likely to get chapped and really sore. Not one I had even thought about. 

Biscuits and tea/coffee
You will have visitors. It's one of the only times when people will come to you, and you might not leave the house for days and days (as above, pyjamas are totally acceptable in these situations, but you don't want to smell like you've been festering for days so the more the better). Only have enough biscuits to last an hour though, so nobody overstays their welcome ;)

A tumble dryer
Bit controversial perhaps (might defeat the purpose if you're using re-usable nappies for example), rather on the large side, and a bit pricey for a must-have list, but if you can fork out for one, do it. The amount of people I know that gave in after a couple of weeks because the poo/sick stained clothes were just stacking up as time flew by. Anything to save on more housework. Just don't assume, as I did, that EVERYTHING can be tumble-dryed. Hubby's shirts for example. Teeny tiny crumpled rags. 

Reminders that you're doing just fine
You might have used affirmations during pregnancy and labour, especially if you were practicing hypnobirthing. And then, when you are no longer housing a small human in your body, you might feel a little bit....well...empty. You need to know that you are doing great. And you need to know often. Either, prepare your own parent affirmations beforehand, thinking carefully about the things you want to remind yourself of (I am a confident and able mother/I overcome challenges calmly, etc), or for a bit of inspiration, @theyesmummum produces some lovely little happy cards to help you along the way. You've got this :) 

#Birth: Re-programming the language of birth

Push!!! PUSH!!!!!

The TV image of birth always involves this phrase, without a doubt. It is probably the most common phrase associated with the dialogue of birth.

What does it conjure in your mind?


The point is that words always conjure up certain imagery. We are programmed to match words with images. Our subconscious collects these images over time, and stores them. If the words are associated with negative images, you may feel anxiety and fear when you hear the word. 
Some obvious examples...spider, ghost, poison. 

But what if we were to re-programme ourselves, using language that conjured up more positive imagery?

The following words are frequently used during birthing. Practitioners of hypnobirthing often suggest that we change the language we use around some of these, and ask care providers and even friends and family, to do the same.
Normal
The breadth of 'normal' is huge. I have heard my birth described as 'normal', which I would agree with, but certainly not compared to another 'abnormal' birth. Just as there are no two humans the same, neither are two births the same. Normal is far from normal. 

Pain
The first thought that pops into everyone's head when talking about birth is PAIN. The first question I was asked by some of my 15 year old students afterwards was 'oh my god miss, was it REALLY painful???'. Well, the theory behind hypnobirthing is that 95% of pain in labour is actually as a result of fear and tension. And then, we become scared of labour, which leads to more pain. A vicious cycle that we need to break. Many hypnobirthing mums report little to no pain. Others suggest that self-hypnosis and relaxation actually enables you to manage the pain. Is it even pain at all, or is it something completely different? However we come to view it, will inevitably start with our preconceptions of it. 

Contractions
The biggie - the feeling we wait for, but with no idea how it will feel. Contractions suggest 'tightening', whereas the aim of effective birthing is to relax and release muscles. On my 'birth preferences', I asked the midwives to refer to 'surges'. In the weeks before, I also talked about the 'surges' (and sometimes the 'waves') I was expecting to have. As a result, when they came, I automatically visualised powerful waves hitting the shore. It wasn't planned, it was just something that kicked in. Applying softer language to this vital process allows a more positive, calmer approach as the feelings begin.

Failure
Most commonly during labour, the term 'failure' might be used as part of the phrase 'failure to progress' (or, medically known as, dystocia). 35% of cesareans are due to this diagnosis. The definition is:

'difficult birth, typically caused by a large or awkwardly positioned fetus, by smallness of the maternal pelvis, or by failure of the uterus and cervix to contract and expand normally'

The word failure has HUGE implications, suggesting that you are either giving birth to a baby that is too big for you, or that your body is not working properly. Well, as we know, neither of these can possibly be true. Fact. And, jeez, as if you need to be doused with guilt on top of all the other emotions swimming through your body! 
In fact, the term is a blanket statement that was coined in 1953, and in fact, could refer to a number of variations of birth, including the mothers' energy levels, the position of the baby, the varying levels of adrenaline/oxytocin, which could be affected by the mother's emotional state, hospital policies (that might encourage immobility for routine monitoring), medications used, induction...the list is endless. Again, this highlights the variety of possibilities during birth. Applying a blanket statement undermines the unique nature of birth, and perhaps highlights a 'failure' in the system to identify the true story behind and, possibly, just wait.

Natural
I've written about this term before...I hate it. It suggests anything else is 'artificial'. And this follows into nurturing your child and the term 'artificial feeding' - a term I also detest. No matter the way that birth occurred, it derives from nature. Humans derive from nature. Humans have ensured that everyone can give birth, no matter what the circumstances. Humans have ensured that everyone can make decisions around the best birth for them. The key is understanding what is involved in birthing, and making those decisions with knowledge and evidence. 

Hypnobirthing is a bit like running a virus scan on your subconscious, finding corrupt or out-of-date views and re-programming them so they don't become harmful to you. For many, language can become harmful if left to eat away and create anxiety. But, as with everything in Hypnobirthing, it is not about someone else identifying the fears you have. It can only begin with the person who knows you best - you. 

It is possible to re-programme your subconscious through hypnobirthing. I am hoping to start a training programme in Hertfordshire over the coming months. To find out more before then, visit The Hypnobirthing Association.

#Birth: Celebrating the birthing superwomen

When I asked my lovely mummy friends what they thought was missing from social media on pregnancy and birth, they agreed that there was very little on celebrating any birth that wasn't 'natural'.

I hate that term. It suggests that any other way of getting birth is not 'natural'. The reality is that growing and having a baby is natural. The end. 

Thankfully, we are in  a world where technology means that we can have safe births for all. No matter what happens before conception, no matter what happens before or during labour. It is still possible, in the vast majority of cases, to ensure a completely safe delivery. 

What winds me up though, is the massive amounts of negativity around birth. I talk a lot about guilt, and there seems to be so much guilt around the type of birth that people have. The way that some women feel as if their bodies didn't quite work the way they were supposed to, or the distress they felt during labour, or the regret that things could have been different, or the fear of what could go wrong. It's almost a bit embarrassing to say, 'yeah, it was a great day - I'm really proud of myself'. 

'A society that places a low value on mothers and the process of birth will suffer an array of negative repercussions for doing so' (Ina May Gaskin)

We all know that giving birth is not an easy task, no matter what path it takes. We will feel, what we describe as pain. And everyone will experience and react to that differently. Getting through that could be an epic achievement for some. And for some, the after effects could be a reminder of the power needed to get through such an immense experience. For some, the choices around pain relief will be invaluable. We have options as women to decide how to manage birthing and we should be proud of the decisions we make. For others, there are doctors who will assist in bringing our babies into the world, or even saving our bacon when the going gets seriously tough. How incredible that we can say that is possible!

And what amazing, powerful warrior women we are to get through such life changing experiences and bring forth little bundles of actual human life!

Now, hypnobirthing is often tightly associated with 'natural' births, but that is a complete misinterpretation of the term. Hypnobirthing is not about a pain-free labour. It is not about excluding any type of medical intervention at all costs. It is not about creating and sticking to a 'perfect' image of birthing that cannot be swayed from. We must remember that birth is often raw and primal. Birth can get incredibly messy and does not fit into a neat, tidy picture. It is not organised and there are no tick-lists that can be easily checked, no matter what plans we believe we have.

What hypnobirthing does teach is positivity. It teaches to accept the right birth on the right day for you. No matter how that birth occurs. No matter what path nature decides to take on that day. It teaches you to listen to your body and your baby, and respond accordingly. To go with the flow (even if it isn't your character - I am proof of that!) Not just during labour but in the weeks and months leading up to it. It teaches you to release all fear.

And that's the biggie. Release all fears. Why the hell do we have so much fear about something that should bring so much joy? Something that, no matter how it happens, should be celebrated. It is the most powerful, life-changing, life-affirming, epic thing we will ever do as women. 

So, let's stand up as a sisterhood, and be proud of our births! Screw the guilt and the anxiety and the disappointment. You deserve so much more for everything you went through and for the results you achieved. Instead of the horror stories, why don't we flood the conversations we have with our stories of pride, happiness, joy and strength, as we persevered and became the birthing superwomen we are

#Pregnancy: Promoting positive language

'Filled with lots of meaning, with everything I need. Spiritually healing, words that comfort' (Joan Armatrading)

How often, though, do words cut like a knife, instead of healing and comforting us? 

We can be so sensitive to words, and this is never more true during pregnancy and labour when we are in high defense mode, protecting our babies and ourselves from harm. Unfortunately, it's hard to set yourself up with a high filter all the time, and sometimes the most well-meant comment or phrase can dent your subconscious, and haunt you for weeks or months.

Protecting ourselves can start with the language we allow ourselves to hear and use in pregnancy and in preparation for labour: 

Negative birth stories
I've written before about the negative stories we constantly hear around birth. The horror stories of a friend of a friend, or so-and-so's aunty, or even your best friend who is desperate to tell you about the PAIN (we'll get back to that in another post). 
You  can start by avoiding these stories. Don't google them. Don't get into conversations about them. Just say 'can you tell me about this AFTER I've had my baby please?'. By then, you will have your own, more positive story to talk about.

Can and can't
Those last few weeks can be tough. I remember waddling around, with my thighs rubbing together, my lower back constantly hurting, feeling huge and sweaty. I had to make a conscious effort to say 'I can' every day. Going to work. Walking down the road. Getting off the sofa. Mindfully turning the negative into the positive is a vital part of your preparation for labour. Believe you can, and you will. 

Positive affirmations
These are SO powerful, if you can get past feeling a bit of a plonker listening to them and saying them yourself. There are literally thousands of hypnobirthing affirmations. Search 'hypnobirthing' on twitter, instagram or pinterest, and you'll find them. Tiny little nuggets of positivity to have as your phone wallpaper, to stick on post its around your bed, to print on A3, to listen to in the car or while you cook your dinner, to repeat and repeat and repeat until they fill the dents on your subconscious with sparkly diamonds of confidence. My all time favourite is 'all is calm, all is well, I am safe'. 

How else has language impacted you in pregnancy? 

Part 2 on language in labour coming soon


Affirmation image c/o: http://andrewmicahornoch.tumblr.com/post/114635391297/hypnobirthing-affirmation-8

#Birth: top ten homebirth must-haves

'You're having a homebirth?! Oh, you're one of THOSE women! Yeah okay, well maybe, just see how you go yeah?' 

Hum...well obviously I know you're NOT one of THOSE women...whatever the bloody hell that means! You're a woman who maybe wants to feel a bit of safety within their own environment. You want to have access to their own toilet. Their own fridge. Who maybe doesn't want to be in a clinical environment. Who wants the midwives to come to them. Who wants to walk in their own garden, sit on their own sofa, dim the lights a bit and having a bit of privacy. Yup, I'm with you. 

I also often heard 'oh, I could never do that, I'm such a control freak'. For me, this was exactly the reason I did it. I had to have control over my birthing environment and the way I did it. The thought of doctors getting involved in a brightly lit room with machines was not what I wanted, and I did everything I possibly could to try and avoid it. 

Fortunately, homebirths are becoming more socially accepted in the UK, with the NICE guidelines saying that for low-risk mothers with low-risk pregnancies, home births should be offered as a safe option, alongside the other birth settings.

Some of the statistics around home births can be viewed here, but deciding where to give birth is a very personal thing. The advantages and disadvantages vary amongst different people. For some, the comfort of a home birth might be a priority, whereas others might feel safer in a midwifery unit. For some higher risk pregnancies, the choice may not be as open. I am not here to influence you in any way. I'm guessing you might have made a decision already if you're reading this. 

If you have spent hours researching and watching lovely youtube videos, and have come to the conclusion that it's the right thing for you,  I thought I'd spare you a bit more time and give you my top ten list of absolute must-haves for a homebirth:

1. birthing pool
You will need to hire or buy one of these if you dream of a candlelit water birth. I had one but ended up giving birth on the lounge floor and the candles had long since gone out, but the five hours I was in water were (from what I remember) relatively comfortable and relaxing. My little cocoon. There are loads of hire companies - we used Barefoot Birth Pools and it was impeccably clean with full instructions and equipment. Amazing service.

2. towels/sheets/incontinence pads
'The carpets!!!!!' was was of the things I hollered during the last few contractions. The midwives had to keep assuring me that the carpets were fully protected. By that evening, you wouldn't have known there had been a birth there (except for the wrinkled little munchkin sleeping peacefully in her moses basket - oh how we should have slept then!). We had bought a few cheap towels from Primark, but it was the incontinence pads that covered most of the floor. There is more mess than you think. Buy lots. And then buy disposable incontinence pants for afterwards too.

3. birthing ball
This was immensely helpful to sit on in the last few months, when getting off the sofa required a forklift truck. Sitting on the ball also helped to ride out the early contractions. It's last use for me was as a prop to lean over as I pushed for dear life. You can grab one from Amazon or eBay for about a tenner. 

4. affirmations on repeat
I don't know why I felt so silly repeating these when I first started to, but throughout the last four months of pregnancy, I listened to and repeated these every day. My faves were 'my surges cannot be stronger than me because they are me' and 'All is calm, all is well, I am safe' from The Calm Birth School. For the first seven hours of labour, they were on repeat. They were ingrained on my soul by the end and there were a couple that I held on to right until the moment she was born. Other people use one or two and have them on A3 paper around the room, or an image of a happy place to focus on.

5. drinks and snacks
Get the cupboards stocked like you're preparing for a blizzard! Not just for the birth but for afterwards too. And don't forget about the dedicated midwives, who would not dare ask for anything, but might be there (looking after you alone) for hours and hours. A bit of toast might be nice at the end (or you could get one of them to get a load ready and scoff the lot yourself like I did..). Personal recommendations: lucozade (although not so much that your wee turns to glucose), fruity water, flapjacks, bananas, chocolate. And straws! So you can sip and not awkwardly slurp. 

6. charged phone/camera
The last thing you or your birth partner will be thinking about is how much charge you have left on your phone. Being in your own house, you might not even have it to hand or in a pocket. But you might regret it if you don't have any photos of those early moments. 

7. aromatherapy
'Get the clary sage!! Get the clary sage!'* was another one of my hollers. God knows how I got thinking about that mid-contraction. And I couldn't tell you what it smelled like. Maybe it worked, maybe it didn't. But I knew I wanted it! The lavender worked a treat in the early hours to chill me out and it was familiar because I'd been using it in  the previous weeks. For me, it added a bit of comfort and security. There are some great websites that detail the uses of essential oils, including this one  

8. dimmed lights/candles
The amount of times I've heard that this one is a load of bollocks, and who cares what the lighting is like when you're feeling like that, but this one was a massive deal for me. I knew the lights needed to be dimmed. I needed to feel safe and cosy, like on a winters' night with a log fire and my fluffy slippers. At one point I remember completely focusing on the flickering candle. I'm  convinced this helped bring my oxytocin levels up. 

9. hired TENS machine
The midwifes will probably only have access to one canister of gas and air. You might need that to last. The longer you can go without it, the better. For me, the TENS machine wasn't great. But it gave me a distraction for half an hour. I've heard people swear by it though, so for £15 or so to hire, it's well worth a go (you can often hire alongside the pool). 

10. your hypnobirthing techniques
The one thing on the list that should be very easily accessible. I could not have had my homebirth without hypnobirthing. 100%, no doubt about it. Everyone uses the techniques differently, but for me, the weeks before were shaped by the fear release scripts I repeated; the early hours of labour were cushioned by the visualisations I had practiced; and the latter stage was led by the breathing I had learnt. Plus,  I was able to remain completely calm, confident and content. 

With all this in mind, the main thing you need for any birth is YOU. All of this might increase levels of oxytocin (the main hormone that facilitates physiological birth), but no matter what happens, you can do this, all by yourself. 


*n.b. there are some oils, such as clary sage, that should not be used during pregnancy so take care.

#Pregnancy: releasing the anxiety

During the last month of pregnancy, my husband commented that he had never known me so chilled in the ten years he had known me. 

I am not one of those chilled horizontal types.

In fact, I have been referred to as 'safety Katie' because of how careful I am; how aware of danger. Like walking on a small wall danger. I am the epitome of risk society. I consider most things I do against the risks involved. I exaggerate the risks. I'm trying really hard not to let this slip into my parenting too. And so far, through a lot of work on mindfulness and relaxation, I'm slowly getting to a much calmer state. Slowly slowly. 

But during late pregnancy, and during birth, I was one cool cat. Why? 

Well, it goes back to the mindfulness thing. And a lot of dedication to hypnobirthing. 

But, when I found out I was pregnant, my first reaction was not excitement or glee. Despite it being planned, I responded to the very faint line in my hand with tears and hyperventilation, repeating 'I can't do it, I can't do it'. To which my husband just laughed, hugged me and whispered 'of COURSE you can'. And, although I hate to admit it, of course he was right. 

And for the first few months, I was terrified. Terrified about the first scan. And the second. Terrified about what I should and shouldn't eat or do or say. Terrified that any minute, something would go wrong. 

Fast forward to 25 weeks and I stumbled across hypnobirthing. I knew that I had to get my head into gear. I had to start preparing for the biggest event of my life. 

And from that moment on, everything changed. Every day, I practiced a little more relaxation. Every day, I listened to my affirmations in the car. Every day, I focused on my baby and me and the birth journey I hoped for. No matter who you are, whatever your disposition, I truly honestly believe that hypnobirthing works if you want it to. You can have a positive birth. The right birth, on the right day, for you. 

I wish I had known what I know now, that a calm birth is possible and that relaxing parenting is something you can work towards. And that there is no point worrying about the things you can do nothing about. You can only control your responses. 

In those early weeks of pregnancy, I would do certain things differently. Here are the five things I promise to do next time round (please God) in those first few scary Mary months: 

1. Create affirmations for early/mid pregnancy

I felt like a wally the first few times I played and repeated the hypnobirthing affirmations from Suzy Ashworth. But, the more I repeated them, the more I truly believed in them. There is so much power in words. My affirmations in early pregnancy will focus on safety, calmness and resilience.... 'I enjoy the first few weeks with my baby'... 'I ease myself into pregnancy'... 'I prepare my body and mind for the months ahead'... 'I am healthy and strong'.

2. Take time every day for me
Towards the end of pregnancy, I had baths every day with lovely Neal's Yard bath oil. My husband massaged my feet. I went for long walks to try and loosen up my pelvis. I meditated and listened to relaxation MP3s in preparation for the birth. Although I might not have as much time the next time round, I vow to take more time for me in the early days too, because a little baby home needs as much attention and care as a real house.

3. Welcome my feelings and emotions as visitors
One of the things I have been trying to work on is the Buddhist concept of impermanence. Acknowledging that all the feelings and emotions we have are only temporary, and we do not need to hold on to them, because they will soon pass. The longer we hold on to them, the more ingrained they will become on our subconscious. Like the scary birth stories you hear that become part of your beliefs about birth. I will let the emotions arise, acknowledge them and try to let go of them. I have even heard of someone literally welcoming them - 'hello anger!', 'hi there restlessness'. Our feelings are visitors and they will soon leave us in peace, as long as we don't entertain them too long!

4. Take earlier maternity leave
For me, I felt like I was working right to the bitter end. I was physically exhausted, I felt heavy and sweaty and uncomfortable. My job as a teacher didn't get the best of me in those last few months. I sat down to teach lessons and my mind was often elsewhere. If I feel like that again, I will give myself (and everyone else) a break and not try and be some sort of martyr. I promise to know my limits. 

5. Do yoga
Before I learnt about hypnobirthing, this whole world of mindful practice seemed a bit strange and new age-y to me. But the hype is true! Mind and body are interlinked - they are not separate entities. A happy body will fuel a happy mind and vice versa. I still need to make an real effort to practice yoga, but the benefits can be felt immediately. Focus, relaxation, patience, clarity...it develops all of these. And to be able to stretch ligaments and muscles before labour can only be a good thing (see point 4!).

For some people, relaxation is easy. For a lot of us, it is hard to switch off from google and the chatter about what could go wrong and what symptoms might mean. It's hard to trust your instinct and, instead, become consumed with fear and anxiety. It's easy to worry and worry about the risks and dangers. And, of course, it's very natural to. But, is it worth the worry? Will it change anything? Next time, I vow to do all of the above to help me in those early days and have a relaxing hypno-pregnancy :) 

#Parenthood: The after birth guilt fest

The first 100 days post partum. The mist. The void. The incredible, amazing, time zapping, happy, sad, exhausting, joyful, scary, daunting, lonely, awe-inspiring time after giving birth.

And so often, I hear women talk about the guilt they feel every single day. 

Five months in and I had a little guilt sesh today. It was triggered by a comment from someone who didn't even realise what they had said. But it cut really deep. And I know it is absolutely my issue. And there is no reason to feel as devastated as I did. My baby is my baby and I know best. But sometimes the guilt just bubbles up. Like a tiny poisonous volcano. 

So, here is the rational, logical me, listing ten things we should never feel guilty about as new parents and why....

1. The birth

You might have felt prepared it you might have felt completely out of your depth, up shit creek and in a whole lifetime of pain. You might have had interventions, you might not. There may have been complications. Every birth is unique. Every baby arrives with a very different story. And sometimes, it can be harrowing and traumatic. But whatever happened, you did your absolute best. You brought forth life! You are a goddess of humongous proportions! No matter how your baby arrived, they are here and so are you. And that, my friend, means you played the most important role in a miracle! 

2.The way you feed your baby

Is your baby being fed? Is your baby satisfied? Then why the hell does it matter HOW they're fed? Whether you made a choice or felt unable to do anything other than what you did at the time, it doesn't matter a honky tonk. Whatever people say, you know yourself and your baby best. If they need feeding in a certain way and at a certain time, do what you have to do! Block out the preachers and haters and know-it-alls. I mean, in some countries, babies are fed brain to make them clever. Who are we to judge? 

You are ensuring your baby is sustained and you're doing your best. As a wonderful smiley midwife once said to me 'as long as your baby is healthy and growing, that is all the matters...we are not feeding police'. Amen to that. 

3. Your baby crying

Babies cry. Even the seemingly perfect babies at baby group with the mummies who look flawless and oh so composed. Even they have moments of sheer hysteria that penetrate their very core. There is nothing to feel bad about. Babies just cry a lot. And sometimes you might know why. And sometimes you won't. Don't let anyone tell you the reason why. They don't know better than you. Take some slow breaths and trust your intuition. 

4. Having time for yourself

Ahhhhh a long, hot bath and a glass of wine! A run in the park with your favourite tunes in your ears! A manicure and a haircut! All those little things that you used to have time for. And now, the little pangs of guilt and worry, as you step out the house or close the bathroom door whilst someone else is looking after your baby for a little while. It's ok. This time is important. It's time for you to recharge. For your baby, but also for yourself. YOU need time for you. Because so much of your time is dedicated to another human being now. And you deserve it. You really do. So book that foot massage you've wanted for ages. Attend that three hour yoga workshop (yep I did that). Go shopping and buy a new top that makes you feel good. See your friends for a drink after work. Be you, because you're amazing. 

5. Having a poo

You cannot hold this in any longer hun. Just go. If you have to, I'm sure the baby won't mind lying in the doorway for a few minutes. 

6. Not losing the weight you intended to

I had images of popping straight back to my original weight and size after birth. Nope. Doesn't happen. We housed small humans for nine months. We fed them and nurtured them into existence. Why did I think my body would instantly spring back?! Stretch marks, a few extra pounds (or stones), a bit of excess skin, an appetite for two (after pregnancy and breast feeding stops)...give yourself a break! Eat. Eat what you want if it makes you feel good. 

7. Sleeping

As with pooing, it is a non-negotiable, but oh so hard. Even when the baby sleeps, the insomnia kicks in. I remember lying awake, forcing myself to keep my eyes open...to keep checking her little chest moving up and down. It can drive you crazy. You cannot function without sleep. Ask for help. Go upstairs, close the door and breathe. Put earplugs in if you have to while someone else to take the reigns for a few hours. Definitely turn off your phone. Breathe slowly and deeply and focus on counting as you do. Even visualise the numbers falling towards you and fading away. But you need to sleep. It is a priority above anything else that needs doing around the house...

8. Not doing the washing up

Or the hoovering. Or the dusting. Nobody is judging. And anyone that is does not deserve your time. There will always be something to do but nothing is more important than caring for yourself and your baby. 

9. The roles you think you need to fulfil

You may be a wife or a girlfriend. A sister, a daughter. Maybe you are already a mother. But now you are mummy to a new human being. This means you don't have to remember birthday cards for family members. Or have dinner ready on time. You definitely don't need to worry about impressing anyone at bedtime (unless it makes YOU feel good). Just worry about your little one for now. As time passes, you will feel able to tackle those other roles again. Maybe you won't. Maybe things will be a little different. That's okay. Don't try and please everyone and be everything. Preserve your self. Now is the time to love, heal and just watch life grow. 

10. Getting it wrong from time to time

A parent without a #parentfail story is lying. We live in a risk society where we judge everything we do on the potential risks. Often we over exaggerate the risks, when actually the likelihood is very low. Get the reassurance if you need it - health visitors, doctors, midwives, friends, partners, family - and then move on. Let the worry or fear slide away. Even visualise a balloon or a boat or a lake, and watch as the fear disappears or is submerged forever.

Whatever you do over the next few months, believe in yourself. Have compassion and patience for the wonderful person you are. And let unhelpful comments drift off - clinging to them will only make you feel worse. 

The only person that can douse the flames on that little guilt volcano is you. Get your buckets of water at the ready lady and smother that poisonous molten to shit 😘

#Birth: Keeping it simple in 2016

2015...a crazy year of ups and downs when I gave birth to my wonderful, beautiful baby girl. 2015 threw my world upside down and back to front. It felt complicated and busy. It didn't always feel particularly simple.

I have heard two of my friends already hope for a simpler 2016. A more level and calmer year.

Which got me thinking about what we mean by simplicity. How do we try to simplify life? Is life ever really simple?

An amazing philosopher I love, Confucius, once said: 'Life is really simple but we insist on making it complicated'. He said it around 500 BC...absolute legend before his time! 

Humans have survived for millions of years but life has gradually become more and more complicated. From the way we obtain our food, to the way we sleep and eat, to the way we communicate, to the way we think about what we do. The world has become full of complexities as we become more globalised and more technologically advanced. Don't get me wrong, the sophistication of our lives amazes and astounds me. We can achieve so much as a human race. Treat seemingly incurable diseases, extend life, save lives. Every minute, we are learning and developing ourselves to become better and more knowledgeable.

When it comes to birth though...have we OVER complicated things a little?

Women have always given birth. Always. Forever. As Ina May Gaskin says, 'It is important to keep in mind that our bodies must work pretty well, or there wouldn't be so many humans on the planet'.

So why are so many women fearful of birth? Why is birth sometimes treated like an illness that needs loads of different medical treatments? 

I love this video, which has been doing the rounds recently.

It shows absurdity in the way that birth can be prodded and poked at unnecessarily. It suggests that, although some births do need intervention, often choices can be taken away by the 'experts'. Birth is handed over to outsiders and becomes over-complicated. 

So, how might we start to make birth more simple? 

Knowledge:

A screw is an incredibly simple mechanism. But when you use a screw wrongly...when you try to bash a screw into the wall with a hammer, or turn it the wrong way, or use it as a toothpick, you're just not going to get very far! You need to know how a screw works. It's the same with birth. Women are able to give birth. Simple. But if we don't know how then process works, how are we supposed to do it effectively? 

Knowledge enables us to make informed decisions. Knowledge allows us to find the most simple solution. But you need the knowledge first and, unless you're a midwife or attend a really top notch antenatal or hypnotherapy course, it isn't always easy to come by. I found that I really had to search for it.

Not fearing the worst:

If we feared being hit by a car every time we left the house, we would never go out. If we feared choking or food poisoning every time we ate, we'd never eat.

If we fear birth, how do we expect our bodies to birth well and not seize up? Why do we over-complicate our thoughts about birth with irrational fears of 'what if?'. Birth is unpredictable. All natural processes have an element of unpredictability. But birth has become the realm of medicine over the past 200 years no matter what turn it takes. If there isn't a need or a want for medical intervention, why is it sometimes still encouraged? Why isn't it just left to happen? What if we truly believed our bodies were capable? And didn't fear the worst. Just kept it simple... 'I can do this; my body can do this'. Just like the millions of women before us. Easier said than done? What if we practiced the mantra every day? What if we re-trained our minds to believe it?

The power of instinct:

In Zen Buddhism, simplicity is about using your instinct. Humans have always used their instinct to survive. You can still see it in the animal world. And you see it with babies. The instinct to roll over, to yawn, to poo, to sit up, to walk, to eat and sleep. Nobody tells them to do it. They just do.

Women have an instinct to birth. And an instinct to know what is right for them and their baby. But so often that instinct disappears when others take over. Or instincts are overridden by the horror stories we hear so often. But nobody else can really know how to give birth to your baby. You do. You know how to do it and what way will be best and what decisions to make when the time comes. Every birth is different. Every person is different. Only you know what is best. You just need to trust your instinct. Trust the most simple form of knowledge.

'Birth is not only about making babies. Birth is about making mothers--strong, competent, capable mothers who trust themselves and know their inner strength' (Barbara Katz Rothman)

When my friends refer to having a simpler 2016, I think they mean they want it to be less complicated. A little easier maybe. A bit calmer. 

With birth, could we introduce greater knowledge, greater use of our natural instinct and a little less fear to simplify things? To make birth a bit calmer; a bit easier? Could Hypnobirthing help to do this? I really really believe it can. 

Could we do the same in life more generally? My New Years resolutions are to do just that...

• gain greater knowledge 
• trust my instinct
• be less fearful

Anyone else up fancy it too? Wishing you all a simpler and very happy 2016 😊