I have to push out a melon baby?!

Oh god, this is amazing!! Yay, I wanted this baby so much.......................oh god, the baby has to come out of my fufu. I have to push out a melon baby?! I mean a baby the size of a melon?! Oh shitballs, it's going to hurt. It's going to hurt so much!!! And who was it who said about all the hours of pushing and breaking her husband's hand and then having a c section anyway. Right, think I'll just opt for the c section. Why can't I just do that? Easier surely? But it's big surgery! I don't want a scar. I don't want to be stuck in bed. And I bloody hate hospitals. Always have. They make me feel a bit sick. All smelly and echoey and all those other people. Not that I'm anti social or anything....And the drugs. I don't want to be on drugs!!!!! I'd be crap on drugs. Any medication just makes me feel loopy. Caffeine makes me lose my shiz. Can I drink gin during labour?!?! That might work. But not the drugs. I need control!  I'm even scared of being sick because I'm not in control! And blood tests and injections. I need to know what I'm doing. I don't know what I'm doing. I have no idea what is going to happen!! Oh god, what is happening to me? What do I do?? What is going to happen to me?!?! Oh shitty shit shit shit shit.

This was my thought process when I saw those two lovely little lines on the pregnancy test. 

I was pooing my pants and crying hysterically. 

So I wanted to find something that could make a difference. And I was happy to try anything - no matter how alternative.

So trying Hypnobirthing it was to be. 'One of Katie's weirdy beardy ideas again, it won't last' - was what I knew my husband was thinking. But, even with my 'give anything a go' attitude, I still found it a bit...um...hippy!

I didn't get the affirmations. They were a bit self-involved and Oprah Winfrey. The breathing was...well, it was just breathing! It felt nice but, we all know how to breathe! Was this it?? The visualisations were hard to wrap my head round. And my husband and I used to fall asleep to this mellow voice on the MP3s telling us to 'relaaaaax' and we'd just crack up, sniggering like little kids. The classes were okay but I wasn't convinced. And my husband found it all super cringey. 

The only reason we kept doing it was because the logic behind it made so much sense.

Fear = adrenaline = tense muscles = pain.

Calm = oxytocin & endorphins = relaxed muscles = manageable sensations.

And I was gradually becoming more and more relaxed. Like never ever before. From highly strung to cool as a mofo cucumber. And we learnt waaaay more than at the other antenatal class, which made us feel like proper little smug gits. Yep, we were THAT couple. Beyond annoying. 

But we just went with it. Really had a go. Powered through the crazy stuff and just got on with it. And then it stopped feeling weird, and started feeling normal. When I found the Hypnobirthing Book in hubbie's toilet reading collection, I knew we might be on to something. All of a sudden, we were on a mission. 

And then...as if it couldn't get more out there, we booked a homebirth. I know. What the hell?! We hardly told anyone. Even the responses to hypnobirthing had been a bit smug 'oh yeah ok, good luck with that...' *wink at spouse that said 'they have no frikkin idea'*. 

So we kept the homebirth to ourselves. But we cracked on with what we thought, after many hours of deliberation, was the best thing for us.  I wanted safety, comfort and privacy. I wanted oxytocin by the bucketload.

And we did it. 

And it was blimmin magical! I have never felt so proud of myself, so in awe of what my body can do without any involvement from white coats or the Miss Trunchball midwives I imagined (our midwives were super lovely btw). 
I felt so informed about my choices, so happy that my husband could support me and have a clear, useful role to play, so free of fear and self doubt, and so unbelievably STRONG. Like warrior fucking goddess strong! 

And 10 sleepy hours after birth, I turned to my in-laws and said 'I could do it again tomorrow!'. I know, seriously annoying! 

But, this is NOT JUST ME! I emphasise that because one story can make a difference but it is also just one story.
You can google it, you can look around and ask others about hypnobirthing, or you could trust me when I say, I've seen it for many many others. Women who had previous traumatic births. Women who believed it wasn't possible. Women who looked at birth with pure fear. Birth partners who were so nervous that they just went into panic mode and flapped around aimlessly for the first trimester. 

And it changed their entire experience. 

Released fear, built confidence, enabled informed decisions to be made and made birth what it should be, no matter what....BEYOND WORDS INCREDIBLE.

But you have to work a bit. Eek! 

You have to be ready to give over 15 minutes a day to just focus on you and your baby. Ok, sounding better? 

There is a bit of investment involved too, depending on how you want to do it - listen to your favourite band on a CD version (buy the MP3s and listen at home) or go to the concert version (group sesh with dedicated teacher) - that kind of thing. But really, for about a third of the cost of a pram...

And, my oh my, if you do it. If you just go for it. And believe. Really believe. And trust yourself. It is so possible. 

Don't settle for less than beyond words incredible. Feel like a warrior goddess!! Go on, I dare you: www.birthstory.co.uk. Join the women feeling like birthing superstars 👍🌟💪

#Birth: Perceptions of my homebirth

Never in a million years did I think I would give birth at home. But when I became pregnant, something changed and suddenly, the thought of being in a hospital, when I had never been in one before, seemed absurd. And when I discovered hypnobirthing...well that was game over for hospital birthing if I could help it. 

But I told very few people what I intended. One - because I didn't want to announce my plans and then it all change and everyone say 'I told you so'. Two - because I didn't want to hear what I heard after the birth, which was some very strange assumptions about home births...

1. It's all candles and incense
I did have candles and low lighting. I did have aromatherapy oil burning. I believe that both helped raise my levels of oxytocin and kept me calm as my contractions intensified. But, it is not all about the romantic ideal of birth. There was no 'oops there she is' as she arrived. It was powerful and primal and raw. And I had a catheter on my sofa. But, I felt completely safe because I was in my little sanctuary.

2. I'm a hippy
Label me as you want, but I wouldn't class myself as a hippy in the slightest. I have a friend who lives by the sea and does yoga everyday and saves water and uses reusable nappies. I really wish I was that good. I wasn't going for an 'alternative' birth. I just wanted to feel as comfortable and as empowered as I possibly could.

3. I am endangering my baby
In the UK, home births are just as safe as hospital births. This is mainly because we have an NHS that provides fully-trained and highly competent midwifes to be with us, if we wish to be at home to birth. The same (if not better) care if provided at home with two dedicated midwives present at all times. Plus, I felt comfortable for the whole process. My fear was to end up in a car, car park or hospital entrance, and for the adrenaline to kick in so I seized up. There is evidence to suggest that intervention rates are higher in hospitals. For me, that was something I wanted to avoid if I could. 

4. I was unprepared for emergencies
The midwives were there, focused entirely on me. Routine examinations were carried out with my consent. They brought all necessary equipment with them in case of emergencies, and were able to call an ambulance at any sign of concern. Thankfully, there was no need for either, but in the vast majority of cases (whether at home or hospital), that is the norm.

5. It's not clean
This is a bizarre one. I can't work out if people are referring to the state of my house, or the mess they envisage from a home birth. My house is very clean, thank you very much. As is my body which was the residence of my baby for nine months, I like to think of my house as an extension of that - my microbiome. If we're talking about the mess caused, it was minimal but we did need towels and sheets down, and there was a bit of tidying up afterwards. But, the midwives took most of the chaos away with them. And despite my concenrs about the carpet, there was no damage caused. 

6. I think my birth is more 'natural' than a hospital birth
See previous post. Yes, I felt positive about my birth, but so I should, and so should millions of other women. That doesn't mean I have ever compared it to anyone else's because no two births will ever be the same. From the length of labour, to the order of events, to the location, to the methods of coping...It doesn't matter how it happens as long as YOU did the right thing for you. 

7. I would have done whatever I can to NOT go to hospital
As with no.4, I am not naive. But I liked to think I had worked really hard on being in tune with my body and my baby. I used my instinct, like any mammal would to protect their baby. Plus, I had complete trust in the midwives who helped me. I know that if it had been necessary, I would have done anything. I would have made informed decisions, because of the hypnobirthing I had done.

8. I am just freeing up a hospital bed
There are some cynics I have read who think that homebirths are dangerous and the NHS is simply encouraging women to stay at home to allow more space in hospitals. Two issues I have with that. Firstly, if a woman needs a bed, they have access to it no matter what. There is nobody encouraging women to stay at home against their will. I didn't need a bed, so I was more than happy to let someone else have it. 
Secondly, the NICE recommendations have solid research behind them. This is not a money-saving exercise, it is about choice. Thankfully, we live in a country that has excellent antenatal and postnatal care (compared to some countries) and we are able to make choices about where to give birth, because we have access to everything we need, whether that be at home or hospital.

9. It's old-fashioned
300 years ago, women all gave birth at home. Then, medical advancements meant it was deemed safer for doctors to be involved. Now, we are at a point where midwives are medically trained, and doctors aren't always required, but they often still are. There are no doctors at home. That doesn't mean it's an old-fashioned way of doing things. It just means that we are now so developed as a society that we can have the option to safely birth at home with all the support we need. 

10. I was naive to think I wouldn't need any pain relief
First off, pain is totally subjective, so again, comparisons to another woman's birth experience are impossible. Some women, especially hypnobirthing mums, will not feel pain. So let's work on that premise. Secondly, I believe that my 'pain' relief was the oxytocin that was streaming through my body and the complete relaxation I felt. I wasn't fighting against the feelings, I was going with them. It was easier, and possibly, less 'painful' than if I'd been doing it any other way. There was gas and air available, but knowing that there was a limited amount meant that I had to get on with it. I knew that if I was going to do it, I wanted to go as far as I could without drugs. I wanted control.


This is not a post to try and persuade anyone that home births are any better than any other birth. Far from it. Everyone does what is right for them. It doesn't make their choice better or worse. No two births are the same. It is just to give an insight into the assumptions I heard and my reactions. 

If you are reading this, you might be considering a home birth. If you are, do what is right for YOU. Instinctively and without fear. And not because you think you SHOULD do something. Or because someone else says it's the right thing to do. What is fundamentally important, is to aim to feel empowered and positive about the choices you make, and hopefully, this will then continue into parenthood. Don't accept anything less. 

#Birth: top ten homebirth must-haves

'You're having a homebirth?! Oh, you're one of THOSE women! Yeah okay, well maybe, just see how you go yeah?' 

Hum...well obviously I know you're NOT one of THOSE women...whatever the bloody hell that means! You're a woman who maybe wants to feel a bit of safety within their own environment. You want to have access to their own toilet. Their own fridge. Who maybe doesn't want to be in a clinical environment. Who wants the midwives to come to them. Who wants to walk in their own garden, sit on their own sofa, dim the lights a bit and having a bit of privacy. Yup, I'm with you. 

I also often heard 'oh, I could never do that, I'm such a control freak'. For me, this was exactly the reason I did it. I had to have control over my birthing environment and the way I did it. The thought of doctors getting involved in a brightly lit room with machines was not what I wanted, and I did everything I possibly could to try and avoid it. 

Fortunately, homebirths are becoming more socially accepted in the UK, with the NICE guidelines saying that for low-risk mothers with low-risk pregnancies, home births should be offered as a safe option, alongside the other birth settings.

Some of the statistics around home births can be viewed here, but deciding where to give birth is a very personal thing. The advantages and disadvantages vary amongst different people. For some, the comfort of a home birth might be a priority, whereas others might feel safer in a midwifery unit. For some higher risk pregnancies, the choice may not be as open. I am not here to influence you in any way. I'm guessing you might have made a decision already if you're reading this. 

If you have spent hours researching and watching lovely youtube videos, and have come to the conclusion that it's the right thing for you,  I thought I'd spare you a bit more time and give you my top ten list of absolute must-haves for a homebirth:

1. birthing pool
You will need to hire or buy one of these if you dream of a candlelit water birth. I had one but ended up giving birth on the lounge floor and the candles had long since gone out, but the five hours I was in water were (from what I remember) relatively comfortable and relaxing. My little cocoon. There are loads of hire companies - we used Barefoot Birth Pools and it was impeccably clean with full instructions and equipment. Amazing service.

2. towels/sheets/incontinence pads
'The carpets!!!!!' was was of the things I hollered during the last few contractions. The midwives had to keep assuring me that the carpets were fully protected. By that evening, you wouldn't have known there had been a birth there (except for the wrinkled little munchkin sleeping peacefully in her moses basket - oh how we should have slept then!). We had bought a few cheap towels from Primark, but it was the incontinence pads that covered most of the floor. There is more mess than you think. Buy lots. And then buy disposable incontinence pants for afterwards too.

3. birthing ball
This was immensely helpful to sit on in the last few months, when getting off the sofa required a forklift truck. Sitting on the ball also helped to ride out the early contractions. It's last use for me was as a prop to lean over as I pushed for dear life. You can grab one from Amazon or eBay for about a tenner. 

4. affirmations on repeat
I don't know why I felt so silly repeating these when I first started to, but throughout the last four months of pregnancy, I listened to and repeated these every day. My faves were 'my surges cannot be stronger than me because they are me' and 'All is calm, all is well, I am safe' from The Calm Birth School. For the first seven hours of labour, they were on repeat. They were ingrained on my soul by the end and there were a couple that I held on to right until the moment she was born. Other people use one or two and have them on A3 paper around the room, or an image of a happy place to focus on.

5. drinks and snacks
Get the cupboards stocked like you're preparing for a blizzard! Not just for the birth but for afterwards too. And don't forget about the dedicated midwives, who would not dare ask for anything, but might be there (looking after you alone) for hours and hours. A bit of toast might be nice at the end (or you could get one of them to get a load ready and scoff the lot yourself like I did..). Personal recommendations: lucozade (although not so much that your wee turns to glucose), fruity water, flapjacks, bananas, chocolate. And straws! So you can sip and not awkwardly slurp. 

6. charged phone/camera
The last thing you or your birth partner will be thinking about is how much charge you have left on your phone. Being in your own house, you might not even have it to hand or in a pocket. But you might regret it if you don't have any photos of those early moments. 

7. aromatherapy
'Get the clary sage!! Get the clary sage!'* was another one of my hollers. God knows how I got thinking about that mid-contraction. And I couldn't tell you what it smelled like. Maybe it worked, maybe it didn't. But I knew I wanted it! The lavender worked a treat in the early hours to chill me out and it was familiar because I'd been using it in  the previous weeks. For me, it added a bit of comfort and security. There are some great websites that detail the uses of essential oils, including this one  

8. dimmed lights/candles
The amount of times I've heard that this one is a load of bollocks, and who cares what the lighting is like when you're feeling like that, but this one was a massive deal for me. I knew the lights needed to be dimmed. I needed to feel safe and cosy, like on a winters' night with a log fire and my fluffy slippers. At one point I remember completely focusing on the flickering candle. I'm  convinced this helped bring my oxytocin levels up. 

9. hired TENS machine
The midwifes will probably only have access to one canister of gas and air. You might need that to last. The longer you can go without it, the better. For me, the TENS machine wasn't great. But it gave me a distraction for half an hour. I've heard people swear by it though, so for £15 or so to hire, it's well worth a go (you can often hire alongside the pool). 

10. your hypnobirthing techniques
The one thing on the list that should be very easily accessible. I could not have had my homebirth without hypnobirthing. 100%, no doubt about it. Everyone uses the techniques differently, but for me, the weeks before were shaped by the fear release scripts I repeated; the early hours of labour were cushioned by the visualisations I had practiced; and the latter stage was led by the breathing I had learnt. Plus,  I was able to remain completely calm, confident and content. 

With all this in mind, the main thing you need for any birth is YOU. All of this might increase levels of oxytocin (the main hormone that facilitates physiological birth), but no matter what happens, you can do this, all by yourself. 


*n.b. there are some oils, such as clary sage, that should not be used during pregnancy so take care.