#Pregnancy: releasing the anxiety

During the last month of pregnancy, my husband commented that he had never known me so chilled in the ten years he had known me. 

I am not one of those chilled horizontal types.

In fact, I have been referred to as 'safety Katie' because of how careful I am; how aware of danger. Like walking on a small wall danger. I am the epitome of risk society. I consider most things I do against the risks involved. I exaggerate the risks. I'm trying really hard not to let this slip into my parenting too. And so far, through a lot of work on mindfulness and relaxation, I'm slowly getting to a much calmer state. Slowly slowly. 

But during late pregnancy, and during birth, I was one cool cat. Why? 

Well, it goes back to the mindfulness thing. And a lot of dedication to hypnobirthing. 

But, when I found out I was pregnant, my first reaction was not excitement or glee. Despite it being planned, I responded to the very faint line in my hand with tears and hyperventilation, repeating 'I can't do it, I can't do it'. To which my husband just laughed, hugged me and whispered 'of COURSE you can'. And, although I hate to admit it, of course he was right. 

And for the first few months, I was terrified. Terrified about the first scan. And the second. Terrified about what I should and shouldn't eat or do or say. Terrified that any minute, something would go wrong. 

Fast forward to 25 weeks and I stumbled across hypnobirthing. I knew that I had to get my head into gear. I had to start preparing for the biggest event of my life. 

And from that moment on, everything changed. Every day, I practiced a little more relaxation. Every day, I listened to my affirmations in the car. Every day, I focused on my baby and me and the birth journey I hoped for. No matter who you are, whatever your disposition, I truly honestly believe that hypnobirthing works if you want it to. You can have a positive birth. The right birth, on the right day, for you. 

I wish I had known what I know now, that a calm birth is possible and that relaxing parenting is something you can work towards. And that there is no point worrying about the things you can do nothing about. You can only control your responses. 

In those early weeks of pregnancy, I would do certain things differently. Here are the five things I promise to do next time round (please God) in those first few scary Mary months: 

1. Create affirmations for early/mid pregnancy

I felt like a wally the first few times I played and repeated the hypnobirthing affirmations from Suzy Ashworth. But, the more I repeated them, the more I truly believed in them. There is so much power in words. My affirmations in early pregnancy will focus on safety, calmness and resilience.... 'I enjoy the first few weeks with my baby'... 'I ease myself into pregnancy'... 'I prepare my body and mind for the months ahead'... 'I am healthy and strong'.

2. Take time every day for me
Towards the end of pregnancy, I had baths every day with lovely Neal's Yard bath oil. My husband massaged my feet. I went for long walks to try and loosen up my pelvis. I meditated and listened to relaxation MP3s in preparation for the birth. Although I might not have as much time the next time round, I vow to take more time for me in the early days too, because a little baby home needs as much attention and care as a real house.

3. Welcome my feelings and emotions as visitors
One of the things I have been trying to work on is the Buddhist concept of impermanence. Acknowledging that all the feelings and emotions we have are only temporary, and we do not need to hold on to them, because they will soon pass. The longer we hold on to them, the more ingrained they will become on our subconscious. Like the scary birth stories you hear that become part of your beliefs about birth. I will let the emotions arise, acknowledge them and try to let go of them. I have even heard of someone literally welcoming them - 'hello anger!', 'hi there restlessness'. Our feelings are visitors and they will soon leave us in peace, as long as we don't entertain them too long!

4. Take earlier maternity leave
For me, I felt like I was working right to the bitter end. I was physically exhausted, I felt heavy and sweaty and uncomfortable. My job as a teacher didn't get the best of me in those last few months. I sat down to teach lessons and my mind was often elsewhere. If I feel like that again, I will give myself (and everyone else) a break and not try and be some sort of martyr. I promise to know my limits. 

5. Do yoga
Before I learnt about hypnobirthing, this whole world of mindful practice seemed a bit strange and new age-y to me. But the hype is true! Mind and body are interlinked - they are not separate entities. A happy body will fuel a happy mind and vice versa. I still need to make an real effort to practice yoga, but the benefits can be felt immediately. Focus, relaxation, patience, clarity...it develops all of these. And to be able to stretch ligaments and muscles before labour can only be a good thing (see point 4!).

For some people, relaxation is easy. For a lot of us, it is hard to switch off from google and the chatter about what could go wrong and what symptoms might mean. It's hard to trust your instinct and, instead, become consumed with fear and anxiety. It's easy to worry and worry about the risks and dangers. And, of course, it's very natural to. But, is it worth the worry? Will it change anything? Next time, I vow to do all of the above to help me in those early days and have a relaxing hypno-pregnancy :)