The first 100 days post partum. The mist. The void. The incredible, amazing, time zapping, happy, sad, exhausting, joyful, scary, daunting, lonely, awe-inspiring time after giving birth.
And so often, I hear women talk about the guilt they feel every single day.
Five months in and I had a little guilt sesh today. It was triggered by a comment from someone who didn't even realise what they had said. But it cut really deep. And I know it is absolutely my issue. And there is no reason to feel as devastated as I did. My baby is my baby and I know best. But sometimes the guilt just bubbles up. Like a tiny poisonous volcano.
So, here is the rational, logical me, listing ten things we should never feel guilty about as new parents and why....
1. The birth
You might have felt prepared it you might have felt completely out of your depth, up shit creek and in a whole lifetime of pain. You might have had interventions, you might not. There may have been complications. Every birth is unique. Every baby arrives with a very different story. And sometimes, it can be harrowing and traumatic. But whatever happened, you did your absolute best. You brought forth life! You are a goddess of humongous proportions! No matter how your baby arrived, they are here and so are you. And that, my friend, means you played the most important role in a miracle!
2.The way you feed your baby
Is your baby being fed? Is your baby satisfied? Then why the hell does it matter HOW they're fed? Whether you made a choice or felt unable to do anything other than what you did at the time, it doesn't matter a honky tonk. Whatever people say, you know yourself and your baby best. If they need feeding in a certain way and at a certain time, do what you have to do! Block out the preachers and haters and know-it-alls. I mean, in some countries, babies are fed brain to make them clever. Who are we to judge?
You are ensuring your baby is sustained and you're doing your best. As a wonderful smiley midwife once said to me 'as long as your baby is healthy and growing, that is all the matters...we are not feeding police'. Amen to that.
3. Your baby crying
Babies cry. Even the seemingly perfect babies at baby group with the mummies who look flawless and oh so composed. Even they have moments of sheer hysteria that penetrate their very core. There is nothing to feel bad about. Babies just cry a lot. And sometimes you might know why. And sometimes you won't. Don't let anyone tell you the reason why. They don't know better than you. Take some slow breaths and trust your intuition.
4. Having time for yourself
Ahhhhh a long, hot bath and a glass of wine! A run in the park with your favourite tunes in your ears! A manicure and a haircut! All those little things that you used to have time for. And now, the little pangs of guilt and worry, as you step out the house or close the bathroom door whilst someone else is looking after your baby for a little while. It's ok. This time is important. It's time for you to recharge. For your baby, but also for yourself. YOU need time for you. Because so much of your time is dedicated to another human being now. And you deserve it. You really do. So book that foot massage you've wanted for ages. Attend that three hour yoga workshop (yep I did that). Go shopping and buy a new top that makes you feel good. See your friends for a drink after work. Be you, because you're amazing.
5. Having a poo
You cannot hold this in any longer hun. Just go. If you have to, I'm sure the baby won't mind lying in the doorway for a few minutes.
6. Not losing the weight you intended to
I had images of popping straight back to my original weight and size after birth. Nope. Doesn't happen. We housed small humans for nine months. We fed them and nurtured them into existence. Why did I think my body would instantly spring back?! Stretch marks, a few extra pounds (or stones), a bit of excess skin, an appetite for two (after pregnancy and breast feeding stops)...give yourself a break! Eat. Eat what you want if it makes you feel good.
7. Sleeping
As with pooing, it is a non-negotiable, but oh so hard. Even when the baby sleeps, the insomnia kicks in. I remember lying awake, forcing myself to keep my eyes open...to keep checking her little chest moving up and down. It can drive you crazy. You cannot function without sleep. Ask for help. Go upstairs, close the door and breathe. Put earplugs in if you have to while someone else to take the reigns for a few hours. Definitely turn off your phone. Breathe slowly and deeply and focus on counting as you do. Even visualise the numbers falling towards you and fading away. But you need to sleep. It is a priority above anything else that needs doing around the house...
8. Not doing the washing up
Or the hoovering. Or the dusting. Nobody is judging. And anyone that is does not deserve your time. There will always be something to do but nothing is more important than caring for yourself and your baby.
9. The roles you think you need to fulfil
You may be a wife or a girlfriend. A sister, a daughter. Maybe you are already a mother. But now you are mummy to a new human being. This means you don't have to remember birthday cards for family members. Or have dinner ready on time. You definitely don't need to worry about impressing anyone at bedtime (unless it makes YOU feel good). Just worry about your little one for now. As time passes, you will feel able to tackle those other roles again. Maybe you won't. Maybe things will be a little different. That's okay. Don't try and please everyone and be everything. Preserve your self. Now is the time to love, heal and just watch life grow.
10. Getting it wrong from time to time
A parent without a #parentfail story is lying. We live in a risk society where we judge everything we do on the potential risks. Often we over exaggerate the risks, when actually the likelihood is very low. Get the reassurance if you need it - health visitors, doctors, midwives, friends, partners, family - and then move on. Let the worry or fear slide away. Even visualise a balloon or a boat or a lake, and watch as the fear disappears or is submerged forever.
Whatever you do over the next few months, believe in yourself. Have compassion and patience for the wonderful person you are. And let unhelpful comments drift off - clinging to them will only make you feel worse.
The only person that can douse the flames on that little guilt volcano is you. Get your buckets of water at the ready lady and smother that poisonous molten to shit 😘
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