#Birth: Re-programming the language of birth

Push!!! PUSH!!!!!

The TV image of birth always involves this phrase, without a doubt. It is probably the most common phrase associated with the dialogue of birth.

What does it conjure in your mind?


The point is that words always conjure up certain imagery. We are programmed to match words with images. Our subconscious collects these images over time, and stores them. If the words are associated with negative images, you may feel anxiety and fear when you hear the word. 
Some obvious examples...spider, ghost, poison. 

But what if we were to re-programme ourselves, using language that conjured up more positive imagery?

The following words are frequently used during birthing. Practitioners of hypnobirthing often suggest that we change the language we use around some of these, and ask care providers and even friends and family, to do the same.
Normal
The breadth of 'normal' is huge. I have heard my birth described as 'normal', which I would agree with, but certainly not compared to another 'abnormal' birth. Just as there are no two humans the same, neither are two births the same. Normal is far from normal. 

Pain
The first thought that pops into everyone's head when talking about birth is PAIN. The first question I was asked by some of my 15 year old students afterwards was 'oh my god miss, was it REALLY painful???'. Well, the theory behind hypnobirthing is that 95% of pain in labour is actually as a result of fear and tension. And then, we become scared of labour, which leads to more pain. A vicious cycle that we need to break. Many hypnobirthing mums report little to no pain. Others suggest that self-hypnosis and relaxation actually enables you to manage the pain. Is it even pain at all, or is it something completely different? However we come to view it, will inevitably start with our preconceptions of it. 

Contractions
The biggie - the feeling we wait for, but with no idea how it will feel. Contractions suggest 'tightening', whereas the aim of effective birthing is to relax and release muscles. On my 'birth preferences', I asked the midwives to refer to 'surges'. In the weeks before, I also talked about the 'surges' (and sometimes the 'waves') I was expecting to have. As a result, when they came, I automatically visualised powerful waves hitting the shore. It wasn't planned, it was just something that kicked in. Applying softer language to this vital process allows a more positive, calmer approach as the feelings begin.

Failure
Most commonly during labour, the term 'failure' might be used as part of the phrase 'failure to progress' (or, medically known as, dystocia). 35% of cesareans are due to this diagnosis. The definition is:

'difficult birth, typically caused by a large or awkwardly positioned fetus, by smallness of the maternal pelvis, or by failure of the uterus and cervix to contract and expand normally'

The word failure has HUGE implications, suggesting that you are either giving birth to a baby that is too big for you, or that your body is not working properly. Well, as we know, neither of these can possibly be true. Fact. And, jeez, as if you need to be doused with guilt on top of all the other emotions swimming through your body! 
In fact, the term is a blanket statement that was coined in 1953, and in fact, could refer to a number of variations of birth, including the mothers' energy levels, the position of the baby, the varying levels of adrenaline/oxytocin, which could be affected by the mother's emotional state, hospital policies (that might encourage immobility for routine monitoring), medications used, induction...the list is endless. Again, this highlights the variety of possibilities during birth. Applying a blanket statement undermines the unique nature of birth, and perhaps highlights a 'failure' in the system to identify the true story behind and, possibly, just wait.

Natural
I've written about this term before...I hate it. It suggests anything else is 'artificial'. And this follows into nurturing your child and the term 'artificial feeding' - a term I also detest. No matter the way that birth occurred, it derives from nature. Humans derive from nature. Humans have ensured that everyone can give birth, no matter what the circumstances. Humans have ensured that everyone can make decisions around the best birth for them. The key is understanding what is involved in birthing, and making those decisions with knowledge and evidence. 

Hypnobirthing is a bit like running a virus scan on your subconscious, finding corrupt or out-of-date views and re-programming them so they don't become harmful to you. For many, language can become harmful if left to eat away and create anxiety. But, as with everything in Hypnobirthing, it is not about someone else identifying the fears you have. It can only begin with the person who knows you best - you. 

It is possible to re-programme your subconscious through hypnobirthing. I am hoping to start a training programme in Hertfordshire over the coming months. To find out more before then, visit The Hypnobirthing Association.

#Birth: Celebrating the birthing superwomen

When I asked my lovely mummy friends what they thought was missing from social media on pregnancy and birth, they agreed that there was very little on celebrating any birth that wasn't 'natural'.

I hate that term. It suggests that any other way of getting birth is not 'natural'. The reality is that growing and having a baby is natural. The end. 

Thankfully, we are in  a world where technology means that we can have safe births for all. No matter what happens before conception, no matter what happens before or during labour. It is still possible, in the vast majority of cases, to ensure a completely safe delivery. 

What winds me up though, is the massive amounts of negativity around birth. I talk a lot about guilt, and there seems to be so much guilt around the type of birth that people have. The way that some women feel as if their bodies didn't quite work the way they were supposed to, or the distress they felt during labour, or the regret that things could have been different, or the fear of what could go wrong. It's almost a bit embarrassing to say, 'yeah, it was a great day - I'm really proud of myself'. 

'A society that places a low value on mothers and the process of birth will suffer an array of negative repercussions for doing so' (Ina May Gaskin)

We all know that giving birth is not an easy task, no matter what path it takes. We will feel, what we describe as pain. And everyone will experience and react to that differently. Getting through that could be an epic achievement for some. And for some, the after effects could be a reminder of the power needed to get through such an immense experience. For some, the choices around pain relief will be invaluable. We have options as women to decide how to manage birthing and we should be proud of the decisions we make. For others, there are doctors who will assist in bringing our babies into the world, or even saving our bacon when the going gets seriously tough. How incredible that we can say that is possible!

And what amazing, powerful warrior women we are to get through such life changing experiences and bring forth little bundles of actual human life!

Now, hypnobirthing is often tightly associated with 'natural' births, but that is a complete misinterpretation of the term. Hypnobirthing is not about a pain-free labour. It is not about excluding any type of medical intervention at all costs. It is not about creating and sticking to a 'perfect' image of birthing that cannot be swayed from. We must remember that birth is often raw and primal. Birth can get incredibly messy and does not fit into a neat, tidy picture. It is not organised and there are no tick-lists that can be easily checked, no matter what plans we believe we have.

What hypnobirthing does teach is positivity. It teaches to accept the right birth on the right day for you. No matter how that birth occurs. No matter what path nature decides to take on that day. It teaches you to listen to your body and your baby, and respond accordingly. To go with the flow (even if it isn't your character - I am proof of that!) Not just during labour but in the weeks and months leading up to it. It teaches you to release all fear.

And that's the biggie. Release all fears. Why the hell do we have so much fear about something that should bring so much joy? Something that, no matter how it happens, should be celebrated. It is the most powerful, life-changing, life-affirming, epic thing we will ever do as women. 

So, let's stand up as a sisterhood, and be proud of our births! Screw the guilt and the anxiety and the disappointment. You deserve so much more for everything you went through and for the results you achieved. Instead of the horror stories, why don't we flood the conversations we have with our stories of pride, happiness, joy and strength, as we persevered and became the birthing superwomen we are

#Parenthood: The after birth guilt fest

The first 100 days post partum. The mist. The void. The incredible, amazing, time zapping, happy, sad, exhausting, joyful, scary, daunting, lonely, awe-inspiring time after giving birth.

And so often, I hear women talk about the guilt they feel every single day. 

Five months in and I had a little guilt sesh today. It was triggered by a comment from someone who didn't even realise what they had said. But it cut really deep. And I know it is absolutely my issue. And there is no reason to feel as devastated as I did. My baby is my baby and I know best. But sometimes the guilt just bubbles up. Like a tiny poisonous volcano. 

So, here is the rational, logical me, listing ten things we should never feel guilty about as new parents and why....

1. The birth

You might have felt prepared it you might have felt completely out of your depth, up shit creek and in a whole lifetime of pain. You might have had interventions, you might not. There may have been complications. Every birth is unique. Every baby arrives with a very different story. And sometimes, it can be harrowing and traumatic. But whatever happened, you did your absolute best. You brought forth life! You are a goddess of humongous proportions! No matter how your baby arrived, they are here and so are you. And that, my friend, means you played the most important role in a miracle! 

2.The way you feed your baby

Is your baby being fed? Is your baby satisfied? Then why the hell does it matter HOW they're fed? Whether you made a choice or felt unable to do anything other than what you did at the time, it doesn't matter a honky tonk. Whatever people say, you know yourself and your baby best. If they need feeding in a certain way and at a certain time, do what you have to do! Block out the preachers and haters and know-it-alls. I mean, in some countries, babies are fed brain to make them clever. Who are we to judge? 

You are ensuring your baby is sustained and you're doing your best. As a wonderful smiley midwife once said to me 'as long as your baby is healthy and growing, that is all the matters...we are not feeding police'. Amen to that. 

3. Your baby crying

Babies cry. Even the seemingly perfect babies at baby group with the mummies who look flawless and oh so composed. Even they have moments of sheer hysteria that penetrate their very core. There is nothing to feel bad about. Babies just cry a lot. And sometimes you might know why. And sometimes you won't. Don't let anyone tell you the reason why. They don't know better than you. Take some slow breaths and trust your intuition. 

4. Having time for yourself

Ahhhhh a long, hot bath and a glass of wine! A run in the park with your favourite tunes in your ears! A manicure and a haircut! All those little things that you used to have time for. And now, the little pangs of guilt and worry, as you step out the house or close the bathroom door whilst someone else is looking after your baby for a little while. It's ok. This time is important. It's time for you to recharge. For your baby, but also for yourself. YOU need time for you. Because so much of your time is dedicated to another human being now. And you deserve it. You really do. So book that foot massage you've wanted for ages. Attend that three hour yoga workshop (yep I did that). Go shopping and buy a new top that makes you feel good. See your friends for a drink after work. Be you, because you're amazing. 

5. Having a poo

You cannot hold this in any longer hun. Just go. If you have to, I'm sure the baby won't mind lying in the doorway for a few minutes. 

6. Not losing the weight you intended to

I had images of popping straight back to my original weight and size after birth. Nope. Doesn't happen. We housed small humans for nine months. We fed them and nurtured them into existence. Why did I think my body would instantly spring back?! Stretch marks, a few extra pounds (or stones), a bit of excess skin, an appetite for two (after pregnancy and breast feeding stops)...give yourself a break! Eat. Eat what you want if it makes you feel good. 

7. Sleeping

As with pooing, it is a non-negotiable, but oh so hard. Even when the baby sleeps, the insomnia kicks in. I remember lying awake, forcing myself to keep my eyes open...to keep checking her little chest moving up and down. It can drive you crazy. You cannot function without sleep. Ask for help. Go upstairs, close the door and breathe. Put earplugs in if you have to while someone else to take the reigns for a few hours. Definitely turn off your phone. Breathe slowly and deeply and focus on counting as you do. Even visualise the numbers falling towards you and fading away. But you need to sleep. It is a priority above anything else that needs doing around the house...

8. Not doing the washing up

Or the hoovering. Or the dusting. Nobody is judging. And anyone that is does not deserve your time. There will always be something to do but nothing is more important than caring for yourself and your baby. 

9. The roles you think you need to fulfil

You may be a wife or a girlfriend. A sister, a daughter. Maybe you are already a mother. But now you are mummy to a new human being. This means you don't have to remember birthday cards for family members. Or have dinner ready on time. You definitely don't need to worry about impressing anyone at bedtime (unless it makes YOU feel good). Just worry about your little one for now. As time passes, you will feel able to tackle those other roles again. Maybe you won't. Maybe things will be a little different. That's okay. Don't try and please everyone and be everything. Preserve your self. Now is the time to love, heal and just watch life grow. 

10. Getting it wrong from time to time

A parent without a #parentfail story is lying. We live in a risk society where we judge everything we do on the potential risks. Often we over exaggerate the risks, when actually the likelihood is very low. Get the reassurance if you need it - health visitors, doctors, midwives, friends, partners, family - and then move on. Let the worry or fear slide away. Even visualise a balloon or a boat or a lake, and watch as the fear disappears or is submerged forever.

Whatever you do over the next few months, believe in yourself. Have compassion and patience for the wonderful person you are. And let unhelpful comments drift off - clinging to them will only make you feel worse. 

The only person that can douse the flames on that little guilt volcano is you. Get your buckets of water at the ready lady and smother that poisonous molten to shit 😘