#Birth: Teaching the hypnobirthing

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Having completed an incredible hypnobirthing teaching diploma with hypnobirthing Yoda, Katharine Graves, Birth Story Hypnobirthing is now up and running.

To say I learnt a lot on the teacher training is an understatement. In just the same way that hypnobirthing gave me the tools and mindset to guide me calmly and peacefully through birth, this training has had a similar effect. It has been a game changer.

I know this is going to change things, but I'm not entirely sure how yet and I'm not entirely sure it's going to happen straight away. But I really feel like this is the start of something a little bit special. I can't wait to enable other women to give birth calmly and with confidence.

So, why am I here? Why do I feel so strongly that teaching hypnobirthing to other women and their birth partners is such an important thing to do?

1. It's a little bit revolutionary

I was so chuffed to discover that out of the 25 or so attendees on the teacher training course, around 18-19 were midwives, and a large number of those were student midwives. 
Now, we are privileged to have an amazingly strong midwifery community in this country, and to be leading the way in so many areas of research. To see that number of attendees validates the power of the course. It validates my belief that hypnobirthing really has something to offer. More than that, it has the potential to be revolutionary in the way we view and react to birth. 

2. It worked for me and people I know
I have no background in meditation or yoga. The thought of spending time to purely relax sounded boring. The first time I sat down to focus on the birth I wanted, I couldn't stop the cynic in the back of my mind. But, over time, it started to make sense. And it completely paid off. I had a wonderfully empowering and relaxing birth, just like the many I had seen on youtube. There are so many positive birth stories I've come across since. Maybe a little bit boring; not a lot of drama or blue flashing lights, but undoubtedly positive.
I truly believe that if I can do it, so can every other woman.

3. It is easy

That's not something you hear very often when it comes to birth!! BUT it requires some regular effort. It is easy in that it is simple to practice and train yourself. All it requires is a little bit of time and the ability to close your eyes, listen and breathe. There are also a range of small things that can be done before and during the birth to make a huge difference. But the preparation is key. Just a little bit a day. 10-15 minutes. But it is vital. And such a good opportunity to give you and your birth partner some time out.

4. It gives you skills for life
Every time I feel stressed, I know that if I practice my 'up' breathing, I will feel so much better. Every time I need to block out the world, I can turn down a dial to completely zone myself out. Every time I struggle to fall asleep, I listen to a relaxation script, and before I know it...zzzzz. Hypnobirthing skills are not just for birth, they are for life. As you enter the crazy world of parenthood (or if you're there already), you will have the tools to help you manage every step of the way.

5. It makes you feel so good
Oxytocin. The love hormone. The hormone that facilitates birth. It makes you feel good. Everything in hypnobirthing is designed to encourage the production of oxytocin and make you feel amazing. Relaxations, lovely smells, light massage by your partner, being told how strong and wonderful you are. Every session is like a lovely trip to the soul spa. You should come out feeling radiant and confident. 

6.  It gives birth partners a key role
I've written about this before, but for many, watching their loved one give birth can be scary. Their instinct is saying 'protect' but they don't know what to do, where to stand, what to say. They might feel completely dis-empowered, helpless. My hypnobirthing course gives birth partners a clear role to play, in the lead up to, and during labour. No more flapping!

7. It gives you the knowledge
One of the most significant parts of KG Hypnobirthing is the knowledge you will gain about the physiology of birth, the protocols and procedures, and your rights. No more 'they can do what they want to me' or 'I'm not allowed to do that'. This is about you and your baby. You make the decisions. You can have the birth you want to. No more fear! You will feel empowered to work together your baby and your care providers, and calmly handle whatever nature throws your way. Because you, my dear, are a birthing goddess. Yes you are. 

8. It is for everyone
Hypnobirthing is not prescriptive about HOW you give birth. All I want is for you to have a birth experience that is as relaxing and empowering as it can be. That you can go into birth with knowledge and power, and with the confidence to make decisions that are right for you and your baby. C-sections, VBACs, vaginal births, water births, assisted, non-assisted, hospital, home, MLU, first child, tenth child...nobody is exempt from experiencing a positive birth. Whatever you decide is right, is right. Hypnobirthing can help with all of these scenarios. Trust me, it's a game-changer.    If you want to find out more about what I can offer you, please visit the Birth Story website: www.birthstory.co.uk or email me: relaxingbirth@googlemail.com

#Birth: Ten reasons why Hypnobirthing rocks

Yep, I LOVE hypnobirthing. For me, it was a complete game changer and I tell everyone I can about how wonderful it is. So much so, that I have now trained to be a practitioner through KG Hypnobirthing, with the wonderful Katharine Graves. I want everyone to know how it can help in the most live-changing event of your life. Just sharing the love!

If you're reading this, you are either interested or already converted, so it's unlikely you need much more convincing, but just in case you do, here are ten reasons why hypnobirthing is blimmin marvellous:

1. A role for your birth partner
So many times, I have heard and seen birth partners standing by the bedside having their hand squeezed or shouting 'pugh, push'). Up until the final minutes, they might be a little bit redundant. Responsible for the sandwiches or going for a little walk or sitting and reading a magazine. All while the birthing woman has her contractions and cracks on with the process of labour. With hypnobirthing, there is no getting out of the vital role held by the birth partner. They are crucial in communicating with you, with the care providers, ensuring safe surroundings and ensuring you have everything you need to labour calmly and comfortably (with very little need for any 'push, push').

2. Learning to take time for yourself
There is an emphasis on taking care of the home that you are building for your little one. To build up those oxytocin and relaxin levels (the hormones responsible for effective labour), hypnobirthing practitioners believe that taking time to relax and soothe yourself is one of the most significant things you can do in preparation for your birth. Attending classes will also give you time to focus solely on yourself*

3. Ability to make informed decisions
As a key part of the hypnobirthing course, you will learn about the science and physiology of labour, as well as the different paths that your birthing might take. Good quality courses ensure you are armed with all the possibilities, and an understanding of the system you are going into. You might decide to write some birth preferences, but also have awareness and acceptance that birth is completely natural and nature does not always do what you want it to. Hypnobirthing allows you to make the decisions necessary when the time comes, and remain calm at the same time. 

4. Supporting any type of birth
Hypnobirthing is often associated with 'natural' births and reducing the need for pain relief, but it is equally valuable no matter what path your birthing takes. I wholly believe that practising the techniques can help with any form of birth, as you are encouraged to release fear and anxiety, and have complete belief and confidence in your body and mind. It also enables you to self-hypnotise in order to remain calm and collected, without letting panic take over. 

5. Reducing need for medical intervention and pain relief 
Whilst the above is true, it has been shown that hypnobirthing can often reduce the need for any medical intervention, because of the preparation to ensure greater knowledge, release of fears and reliance on instinct. More and more midwives are seeing the benefits of hypnobirthing in labour, and becoming observers, rather than leading the process. See this article on how hypnobirthing can help with homebirthing, for more information. Alongside this, research has also shown that labours are often significantly shorter with hypnobirthing mothers. 

6. Assisting with breech babies
Even more specifically, a study by the University of Vermont, hypnobirthing techniques were used with breech babies to help turn them and decrease the rate of caesarean sections. The success rate was 81% (compared to around 50% ECV success rate in hospitals). 

7. Release fear
Fear and anxiety can consume pregnancy and birth. The stories of emergencies and operations, blood and gore...everyone loves a birth story. The births that just happen - the boring ones - aren't quite as prone to exaggeration. Hypnobirthing helps you to release the fear around birth. To reprogramme your subconscious with positive stories. To practice relaxations that allow you to acknowledge the fears and simply let them drift away. It's incredibly powerful stuff.

8. Trusting your instinct
There are so many experts. The internet has meant that, unfortunately, anyone can be an expert. But we are also forgetting that we are experts of ourselves. We have forgotten to trust our instincts. To an extent, we have forgotten what our instincts are, as we look to experts to tell us what's right and wrong. Hypnobirthing doesn't tell you how to give birth. It helps you to trust your instinct and provides you with tools to birth your child in the way that you see most fit. There is no right or wrong. There is only YOUR birth, and that will be different from everyone else. 

9.  The science makes sense
Hypnobirthing was made popular by a doctor: Dr Grantly Dick-Read in the 1940s. His beliefs were founded in science and his work with women in labour. He argued that if you are relaxed in your mind, your muscles will relax. If you are stressed, your muscles will tighten. It's a fact of life that we all know. Frowning forehead, clenched fists...these are typical signs of anger and frustration. In labour, if you are fearful, your uterus will tighten. If you are completely relaxed, the muscles needed for birth will soften and release, to enable them to work effectively, and your baby will most likely remain calm too.

10. Clarity for life
As I've written before, I have never been known for being particularly calm and collected. Since hypnobirthing, I have proven to myself the power of the mind, and the potential to bring this into other areas of my life, include the most challenging role of my life - as a mother. Hypnobirthing provides you with tools to ensure clarity and positivity in all areas of your life. And to ensure it all by yourself. 

If you are interested in finding out more or about the course I offer, feel free to get in touch: relaxingbirth@googlemail.com

*Classes can take place in the comfort of your own home

#Birth: Re-programming the language of birth

Push!!! PUSH!!!!!

The TV image of birth always involves this phrase, without a doubt. It is probably the most common phrase associated with the dialogue of birth.

What does it conjure in your mind?


The point is that words always conjure up certain imagery. We are programmed to match words with images. Our subconscious collects these images over time, and stores them. If the words are associated with negative images, you may feel anxiety and fear when you hear the word. 
Some obvious examples...spider, ghost, poison. 

But what if we were to re-programme ourselves, using language that conjured up more positive imagery?

The following words are frequently used during birthing. Practitioners of hypnobirthing often suggest that we change the language we use around some of these, and ask care providers and even friends and family, to do the same.
Normal
The breadth of 'normal' is huge. I have heard my birth described as 'normal', which I would agree with, but certainly not compared to another 'abnormal' birth. Just as there are no two humans the same, neither are two births the same. Normal is far from normal. 

Pain
The first thought that pops into everyone's head when talking about birth is PAIN. The first question I was asked by some of my 15 year old students afterwards was 'oh my god miss, was it REALLY painful???'. Well, the theory behind hypnobirthing is that 95% of pain in labour is actually as a result of fear and tension. And then, we become scared of labour, which leads to more pain. A vicious cycle that we need to break. Many hypnobirthing mums report little to no pain. Others suggest that self-hypnosis and relaxation actually enables you to manage the pain. Is it even pain at all, or is it something completely different? However we come to view it, will inevitably start with our preconceptions of it. 

Contractions
The biggie - the feeling we wait for, but with no idea how it will feel. Contractions suggest 'tightening', whereas the aim of effective birthing is to relax and release muscles. On my 'birth preferences', I asked the midwives to refer to 'surges'. In the weeks before, I also talked about the 'surges' (and sometimes the 'waves') I was expecting to have. As a result, when they came, I automatically visualised powerful waves hitting the shore. It wasn't planned, it was just something that kicked in. Applying softer language to this vital process allows a more positive, calmer approach as the feelings begin.

Failure
Most commonly during labour, the term 'failure' might be used as part of the phrase 'failure to progress' (or, medically known as, dystocia). 35% of cesareans are due to this diagnosis. The definition is:

'difficult birth, typically caused by a large or awkwardly positioned fetus, by smallness of the maternal pelvis, or by failure of the uterus and cervix to contract and expand normally'

The word failure has HUGE implications, suggesting that you are either giving birth to a baby that is too big for you, or that your body is not working properly. Well, as we know, neither of these can possibly be true. Fact. And, jeez, as if you need to be doused with guilt on top of all the other emotions swimming through your body! 
In fact, the term is a blanket statement that was coined in 1953, and in fact, could refer to a number of variations of birth, including the mothers' energy levels, the position of the baby, the varying levels of adrenaline/oxytocin, which could be affected by the mother's emotional state, hospital policies (that might encourage immobility for routine monitoring), medications used, induction...the list is endless. Again, this highlights the variety of possibilities during birth. Applying a blanket statement undermines the unique nature of birth, and perhaps highlights a 'failure' in the system to identify the true story behind and, possibly, just wait.

Natural
I've written about this term before...I hate it. It suggests anything else is 'artificial'. And this follows into nurturing your child and the term 'artificial feeding' - a term I also detest. No matter the way that birth occurred, it derives from nature. Humans derive from nature. Humans have ensured that everyone can give birth, no matter what the circumstances. Humans have ensured that everyone can make decisions around the best birth for them. The key is understanding what is involved in birthing, and making those decisions with knowledge and evidence. 

Hypnobirthing is a bit like running a virus scan on your subconscious, finding corrupt or out-of-date views and re-programming them so they don't become harmful to you. For many, language can become harmful if left to eat away and create anxiety. But, as with everything in Hypnobirthing, it is not about someone else identifying the fears you have. It can only begin with the person who knows you best - you. 

It is possible to re-programme your subconscious through hypnobirthing. I am hoping to start a training programme in Hertfordshire over the coming months. To find out more before then, visit The Hypnobirthing Association.

#Birth: Celebrating the birthing superwomen

When I asked my lovely mummy friends what they thought was missing from social media on pregnancy and birth, they agreed that there was very little on celebrating any birth that wasn't 'natural'.

I hate that term. It suggests that any other way of getting birth is not 'natural'. The reality is that growing and having a baby is natural. The end. 

Thankfully, we are in  a world where technology means that we can have safe births for all. No matter what happens before conception, no matter what happens before or during labour. It is still possible, in the vast majority of cases, to ensure a completely safe delivery. 

What winds me up though, is the massive amounts of negativity around birth. I talk a lot about guilt, and there seems to be so much guilt around the type of birth that people have. The way that some women feel as if their bodies didn't quite work the way they were supposed to, or the distress they felt during labour, or the regret that things could have been different, or the fear of what could go wrong. It's almost a bit embarrassing to say, 'yeah, it was a great day - I'm really proud of myself'. 

'A society that places a low value on mothers and the process of birth will suffer an array of negative repercussions for doing so' (Ina May Gaskin)

We all know that giving birth is not an easy task, no matter what path it takes. We will feel, what we describe as pain. And everyone will experience and react to that differently. Getting through that could be an epic achievement for some. And for some, the after effects could be a reminder of the power needed to get through such an immense experience. For some, the choices around pain relief will be invaluable. We have options as women to decide how to manage birthing and we should be proud of the decisions we make. For others, there are doctors who will assist in bringing our babies into the world, or even saving our bacon when the going gets seriously tough. How incredible that we can say that is possible!

And what amazing, powerful warrior women we are to get through such life changing experiences and bring forth little bundles of actual human life!

Now, hypnobirthing is often tightly associated with 'natural' births, but that is a complete misinterpretation of the term. Hypnobirthing is not about a pain-free labour. It is not about excluding any type of medical intervention at all costs. It is not about creating and sticking to a 'perfect' image of birthing that cannot be swayed from. We must remember that birth is often raw and primal. Birth can get incredibly messy and does not fit into a neat, tidy picture. It is not organised and there are no tick-lists that can be easily checked, no matter what plans we believe we have.

What hypnobirthing does teach is positivity. It teaches to accept the right birth on the right day for you. No matter how that birth occurs. No matter what path nature decides to take on that day. It teaches you to listen to your body and your baby, and respond accordingly. To go with the flow (even if it isn't your character - I am proof of that!) Not just during labour but in the weeks and months leading up to it. It teaches you to release all fear.

And that's the biggie. Release all fears. Why the hell do we have so much fear about something that should bring so much joy? Something that, no matter how it happens, should be celebrated. It is the most powerful, life-changing, life-affirming, epic thing we will ever do as women. 

So, let's stand up as a sisterhood, and be proud of our births! Screw the guilt and the anxiety and the disappointment. You deserve so much more for everything you went through and for the results you achieved. Instead of the horror stories, why don't we flood the conversations we have with our stories of pride, happiness, joy and strength, as we persevered and became the birthing superwomen we are

#Pregnancy: Promoting positive language

'Filled with lots of meaning, with everything I need. Spiritually healing, words that comfort' (Joan Armatrading)

How often, though, do words cut like a knife, instead of healing and comforting us? 

We can be so sensitive to words, and this is never more true during pregnancy and labour when we are in high defense mode, protecting our babies and ourselves from harm. Unfortunately, it's hard to set yourself up with a high filter all the time, and sometimes the most well-meant comment or phrase can dent your subconscious, and haunt you for weeks or months.

Protecting ourselves can start with the language we allow ourselves to hear and use in pregnancy and in preparation for labour: 

Negative birth stories
I've written before about the negative stories we constantly hear around birth. The horror stories of a friend of a friend, or so-and-so's aunty, or even your best friend who is desperate to tell you about the PAIN (we'll get back to that in another post). 
You  can start by avoiding these stories. Don't google them. Don't get into conversations about them. Just say 'can you tell me about this AFTER I've had my baby please?'. By then, you will have your own, more positive story to talk about.

Can and can't
Those last few weeks can be tough. I remember waddling around, with my thighs rubbing together, my lower back constantly hurting, feeling huge and sweaty. I had to make a conscious effort to say 'I can' every day. Going to work. Walking down the road. Getting off the sofa. Mindfully turning the negative into the positive is a vital part of your preparation for labour. Believe you can, and you will. 

Positive affirmations
These are SO powerful, if you can get past feeling a bit of a plonker listening to them and saying them yourself. There are literally thousands of hypnobirthing affirmations. Search 'hypnobirthing' on twitter, instagram or pinterest, and you'll find them. Tiny little nuggets of positivity to have as your phone wallpaper, to stick on post its around your bed, to print on A3, to listen to in the car or while you cook your dinner, to repeat and repeat and repeat until they fill the dents on your subconscious with sparkly diamonds of confidence. My all time favourite is 'all is calm, all is well, I am safe'. 

How else has language impacted you in pregnancy? 

Part 2 on language in labour coming soon


Affirmation image c/o: http://andrewmicahornoch.tumblr.com/post/114635391297/hypnobirthing-affirmation-8

#Birth: top ten homebirth must-haves

'You're having a homebirth?! Oh, you're one of THOSE women! Yeah okay, well maybe, just see how you go yeah?' 

Hum...well obviously I know you're NOT one of THOSE women...whatever the bloody hell that means! You're a woman who maybe wants to feel a bit of safety within their own environment. You want to have access to their own toilet. Their own fridge. Who maybe doesn't want to be in a clinical environment. Who wants the midwives to come to them. Who wants to walk in their own garden, sit on their own sofa, dim the lights a bit and having a bit of privacy. Yup, I'm with you. 

I also often heard 'oh, I could never do that, I'm such a control freak'. For me, this was exactly the reason I did it. I had to have control over my birthing environment and the way I did it. The thought of doctors getting involved in a brightly lit room with machines was not what I wanted, and I did everything I possibly could to try and avoid it. 

Fortunately, homebirths are becoming more socially accepted in the UK, with the NICE guidelines saying that for low-risk mothers with low-risk pregnancies, home births should be offered as a safe option, alongside the other birth settings.

Some of the statistics around home births can be viewed here, but deciding where to give birth is a very personal thing. The advantages and disadvantages vary amongst different people. For some, the comfort of a home birth might be a priority, whereas others might feel safer in a midwifery unit. For some higher risk pregnancies, the choice may not be as open. I am not here to influence you in any way. I'm guessing you might have made a decision already if you're reading this. 

If you have spent hours researching and watching lovely youtube videos, and have come to the conclusion that it's the right thing for you,  I thought I'd spare you a bit more time and give you my top ten list of absolute must-haves for a homebirth:

1. birthing pool
You will need to hire or buy one of these if you dream of a candlelit water birth. I had one but ended up giving birth on the lounge floor and the candles had long since gone out, but the five hours I was in water were (from what I remember) relatively comfortable and relaxing. My little cocoon. There are loads of hire companies - we used Barefoot Birth Pools and it was impeccably clean with full instructions and equipment. Amazing service.

2. towels/sheets/incontinence pads
'The carpets!!!!!' was was of the things I hollered during the last few contractions. The midwives had to keep assuring me that the carpets were fully protected. By that evening, you wouldn't have known there had been a birth there (except for the wrinkled little munchkin sleeping peacefully in her moses basket - oh how we should have slept then!). We had bought a few cheap towels from Primark, but it was the incontinence pads that covered most of the floor. There is more mess than you think. Buy lots. And then buy disposable incontinence pants for afterwards too.

3. birthing ball
This was immensely helpful to sit on in the last few months, when getting off the sofa required a forklift truck. Sitting on the ball also helped to ride out the early contractions. It's last use for me was as a prop to lean over as I pushed for dear life. You can grab one from Amazon or eBay for about a tenner. 

4. affirmations on repeat
I don't know why I felt so silly repeating these when I first started to, but throughout the last four months of pregnancy, I listened to and repeated these every day. My faves were 'my surges cannot be stronger than me because they are me' and 'All is calm, all is well, I am safe' from The Calm Birth School. For the first seven hours of labour, they were on repeat. They were ingrained on my soul by the end and there were a couple that I held on to right until the moment she was born. Other people use one or two and have them on A3 paper around the room, or an image of a happy place to focus on.

5. drinks and snacks
Get the cupboards stocked like you're preparing for a blizzard! Not just for the birth but for afterwards too. And don't forget about the dedicated midwives, who would not dare ask for anything, but might be there (looking after you alone) for hours and hours. A bit of toast might be nice at the end (or you could get one of them to get a load ready and scoff the lot yourself like I did..). Personal recommendations: lucozade (although not so much that your wee turns to glucose), fruity water, flapjacks, bananas, chocolate. And straws! So you can sip and not awkwardly slurp. 

6. charged phone/camera
The last thing you or your birth partner will be thinking about is how much charge you have left on your phone. Being in your own house, you might not even have it to hand or in a pocket. But you might regret it if you don't have any photos of those early moments. 

7. aromatherapy
'Get the clary sage!! Get the clary sage!'* was another one of my hollers. God knows how I got thinking about that mid-contraction. And I couldn't tell you what it smelled like. Maybe it worked, maybe it didn't. But I knew I wanted it! The lavender worked a treat in the early hours to chill me out and it was familiar because I'd been using it in  the previous weeks. For me, it added a bit of comfort and security. There are some great websites that detail the uses of essential oils, including this one  

8. dimmed lights/candles
The amount of times I've heard that this one is a load of bollocks, and who cares what the lighting is like when you're feeling like that, but this one was a massive deal for me. I knew the lights needed to be dimmed. I needed to feel safe and cosy, like on a winters' night with a log fire and my fluffy slippers. At one point I remember completely focusing on the flickering candle. I'm  convinced this helped bring my oxytocin levels up. 

9. hired TENS machine
The midwifes will probably only have access to one canister of gas and air. You might need that to last. The longer you can go without it, the better. For me, the TENS machine wasn't great. But it gave me a distraction for half an hour. I've heard people swear by it though, so for £15 or so to hire, it's well worth a go (you can often hire alongside the pool). 

10. your hypnobirthing techniques
The one thing on the list that should be very easily accessible. I could not have had my homebirth without hypnobirthing. 100%, no doubt about it. Everyone uses the techniques differently, but for me, the weeks before were shaped by the fear release scripts I repeated; the early hours of labour were cushioned by the visualisations I had practiced; and the latter stage was led by the breathing I had learnt. Plus,  I was able to remain completely calm, confident and content. 

With all this in mind, the main thing you need for any birth is YOU. All of this might increase levels of oxytocin (the main hormone that facilitates physiological birth), but no matter what happens, you can do this, all by yourself. 


*n.b. there are some oils, such as clary sage, that should not be used during pregnancy so take care.

#Parenthood: The after birth guilt fest

The first 100 days post partum. The mist. The void. The incredible, amazing, time zapping, happy, sad, exhausting, joyful, scary, daunting, lonely, awe-inspiring time after giving birth.

And so often, I hear women talk about the guilt they feel every single day. 

Five months in and I had a little guilt sesh today. It was triggered by a comment from someone who didn't even realise what they had said. But it cut really deep. And I know it is absolutely my issue. And there is no reason to feel as devastated as I did. My baby is my baby and I know best. But sometimes the guilt just bubbles up. Like a tiny poisonous volcano. 

So, here is the rational, logical me, listing ten things we should never feel guilty about as new parents and why....

1. The birth

You might have felt prepared it you might have felt completely out of your depth, up shit creek and in a whole lifetime of pain. You might have had interventions, you might not. There may have been complications. Every birth is unique. Every baby arrives with a very different story. And sometimes, it can be harrowing and traumatic. But whatever happened, you did your absolute best. You brought forth life! You are a goddess of humongous proportions! No matter how your baby arrived, they are here and so are you. And that, my friend, means you played the most important role in a miracle! 

2.The way you feed your baby

Is your baby being fed? Is your baby satisfied? Then why the hell does it matter HOW they're fed? Whether you made a choice or felt unable to do anything other than what you did at the time, it doesn't matter a honky tonk. Whatever people say, you know yourself and your baby best. If they need feeding in a certain way and at a certain time, do what you have to do! Block out the preachers and haters and know-it-alls. I mean, in some countries, babies are fed brain to make them clever. Who are we to judge? 

You are ensuring your baby is sustained and you're doing your best. As a wonderful smiley midwife once said to me 'as long as your baby is healthy and growing, that is all the matters...we are not feeding police'. Amen to that. 

3. Your baby crying

Babies cry. Even the seemingly perfect babies at baby group with the mummies who look flawless and oh so composed. Even they have moments of sheer hysteria that penetrate their very core. There is nothing to feel bad about. Babies just cry a lot. And sometimes you might know why. And sometimes you won't. Don't let anyone tell you the reason why. They don't know better than you. Take some slow breaths and trust your intuition. 

4. Having time for yourself

Ahhhhh a long, hot bath and a glass of wine! A run in the park with your favourite tunes in your ears! A manicure and a haircut! All those little things that you used to have time for. And now, the little pangs of guilt and worry, as you step out the house or close the bathroom door whilst someone else is looking after your baby for a little while. It's ok. This time is important. It's time for you to recharge. For your baby, but also for yourself. YOU need time for you. Because so much of your time is dedicated to another human being now. And you deserve it. You really do. So book that foot massage you've wanted for ages. Attend that three hour yoga workshop (yep I did that). Go shopping and buy a new top that makes you feel good. See your friends for a drink after work. Be you, because you're amazing. 

5. Having a poo

You cannot hold this in any longer hun. Just go. If you have to, I'm sure the baby won't mind lying in the doorway for a few minutes. 

6. Not losing the weight you intended to

I had images of popping straight back to my original weight and size after birth. Nope. Doesn't happen. We housed small humans for nine months. We fed them and nurtured them into existence. Why did I think my body would instantly spring back?! Stretch marks, a few extra pounds (or stones), a bit of excess skin, an appetite for two (after pregnancy and breast feeding stops)...give yourself a break! Eat. Eat what you want if it makes you feel good. 

7. Sleeping

As with pooing, it is a non-negotiable, but oh so hard. Even when the baby sleeps, the insomnia kicks in. I remember lying awake, forcing myself to keep my eyes open...to keep checking her little chest moving up and down. It can drive you crazy. You cannot function without sleep. Ask for help. Go upstairs, close the door and breathe. Put earplugs in if you have to while someone else to take the reigns for a few hours. Definitely turn off your phone. Breathe slowly and deeply and focus on counting as you do. Even visualise the numbers falling towards you and fading away. But you need to sleep. It is a priority above anything else that needs doing around the house...

8. Not doing the washing up

Or the hoovering. Or the dusting. Nobody is judging. And anyone that is does not deserve your time. There will always be something to do but nothing is more important than caring for yourself and your baby. 

9. The roles you think you need to fulfil

You may be a wife or a girlfriend. A sister, a daughter. Maybe you are already a mother. But now you are mummy to a new human being. This means you don't have to remember birthday cards for family members. Or have dinner ready on time. You definitely don't need to worry about impressing anyone at bedtime (unless it makes YOU feel good). Just worry about your little one for now. As time passes, you will feel able to tackle those other roles again. Maybe you won't. Maybe things will be a little different. That's okay. Don't try and please everyone and be everything. Preserve your self. Now is the time to love, heal and just watch life grow. 

10. Getting it wrong from time to time

A parent without a #parentfail story is lying. We live in a risk society where we judge everything we do on the potential risks. Often we over exaggerate the risks, when actually the likelihood is very low. Get the reassurance if you need it - health visitors, doctors, midwives, friends, partners, family - and then move on. Let the worry or fear slide away. Even visualise a balloon or a boat or a lake, and watch as the fear disappears or is submerged forever.

Whatever you do over the next few months, believe in yourself. Have compassion and patience for the wonderful person you are. And let unhelpful comments drift off - clinging to them will only make you feel worse. 

The only person that can douse the flames on that little guilt volcano is you. Get your buckets of water at the ready lady and smother that poisonous molten to shit 😘